Love

My heart lives in my vagina. Well, it used to at least.

I didn't have sex until my wedding night. I was a very good, conservative, Christian girl. And I waited. Technically... My first sexual partner was my husband. I enjoyed it immensely, sex that is. I had fun getting toys and exploring. It was light, easy, and fun.

After a year and a half of marriage, and the birth of our beautiful daughter, my husband decided to call it quits. We separated. I moved in with my mom and figured out how to be 21, single and a mother. It was tough for me. I hadn't given up my adolescence yet. I was now "on the market." And I was reckless. No, not with my health or safety. I was the queen of condoms, usually bringing my own along for dates.

No I was reckless with my heart. Every time a man kissed me, touched me, or slept with me, it was directly tied to my worth, my loveability. I didn't ask to be wined and dined, I just wanted to be a sex goddess, because I thought, that is what men want... and I wanted to be wanted.

After 6 months of separation my husband and I got back together. We'd both dated while separated, and were more experienced. We stayed together for another 2 and a half years. In that time I grew immensely. I began to mature beyond our relationship. He began wanting other things (people). When we split up this last (and final) time, I was 6 months pregnant with my best friend's surrogate baby. He went to go live with his new lover, I went to live with my mom.

This time everything was different. I wasn't dating, because I was so ridiculously pregnant. It gave me time to back up and look at myself. Was I so desperate to be validated that I would sacrifice what I really wanted? This time I'd do it differently.

This time around I'm not looking for love. If it found me, I wouldn't say no. But I'm not looking. This time around I'm not ok with a purely "sex friends" relationship. If I have sex it's on my terms, and because I want it, not because I want to be loved.

My heart is no longer where anyone an just access it with some smooth talk and a condom. No, now I keep it to myself. I love me. I love the life I'm creating, and the identity I'm forming. I love me, and that's enough.