Identity

I don't know who I am.

I think this is because I never had a chance to find out before my self-growth was seriously hampered by a relationship. See, I have this theory on the development of self identity. When we are single our entire energy is focused on us. We are inherently self-centered. Not to say we are bad people, simply that our main focus is our own self. We spend our energy on self-improvement, and development, because who else is there?

When we're in a new relationship we begin to shift that focus to the other person. What do they want from us? Who are they in relation to us? Who do they want us to be? Our attention shifts from self-development to the development of "we."

I did this at a very young age. Though I never had a serious relationship before FT (short for Fu** Tard) I was barely 20 when we married. I had been in college just a year and a half, and was in the middle of a crucial self-development. I was still figuring out who the hell I was, when my attention switched to "we" and then... to "us" when I shortly became pregnant.

Now, here we are almost 5 years later, and I find myself dumped right back to where I was as a teenager. Who the hell am I? Now it seems even worse, because I knew who I was as a wife and mother. I had figured that role out. Was it fulfilling? Sometimes. Was I happy? Not really. But I had a definition. I knew my place, my role, my personality.

Now I feel like I'm starting all over. Rediscovering the things about myself I'd given up on the altar of "we." I'm listening to bands I used to love, I've lost enough weight I'm almost back to where I was pre-marriage. I'm deciding what my clothes should look like, what I should be into, who I should be.

And I am scared spitless. I don't know how to do this! As a teenager it was fun, it was like exploring an uncharted territory, with exciting things everywhere. Now it's just a big, dark, scary wasteland with frightening creatures. I wanna go back to my bubble. I want it to be easy again.

I've never felt so in crisis. 25, single parent, adolescent. Those things don't mix!

I need to just take a deep breathe and dive. Stop fighting this descent into darkness and embrace the amazing opportunity I've been given: A fresh start. A chance to decide who the hell I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Fight the urge to find a man and attach so I can be free of this turmoil. Single is good. Identity is important.

Anyone want to throw me a bone?