My personal reinvention is beginning. My clothes are slowly changing back to what I used to wear before I was gone. Tattoo #2 is in the works. This time it'll show! (my other is pretty hidden)
I dyed my hair blue. Well, not all of it, but the under part. It's gorgeous, but sneaky enough I can wear to work. I work in the most conservative place ever. It's slowly getting better but still must be good.
Things are slowly changing for me. I'm still losing weight. At this rate I'll be back to pre-marriage weight by February or so. That'll be a 60 pound weight loss. Awesome sauce.
This has been a quick update from lonely lizzie :)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Love
My heart lives in my vagina. Well, it used to at least.
I didn't have sex until my wedding night. I was a very good, conservative, Christian girl. And I waited. Technically... My first sexual partner was my husband. I enjoyed it immensely, sex that is. I had fun getting toys and exploring. It was light, easy, and fun.
After a year and a half of marriage, and the birth of our beautiful daughter, my husband decided to call it quits. We separated. I moved in with my mom and figured out how to be 21, single and a mother. It was tough for me. I hadn't given up my adolescence yet. I was now "on the market." And I was reckless. No, not with my health or safety. I was the queen of condoms, usually bringing my own along for dates.
No I was reckless with my heart. Every time a man kissed me, touched me, or slept with me, it was directly tied to my worth, my loveability. I didn't ask to be wined and dined, I just wanted to be a sex goddess, because I thought, that is what men want... and I wanted to be wanted.
After 6 months of separation my husband and I got back together. We'd both dated while separated, and were more experienced. We stayed together for another 2 and a half years. In that time I grew immensely. I began to mature beyond our relationship. He began wanting other things (people). When we split up this last (and final) time, I was 6 months pregnant with my best friend's surrogate baby. He went to go live with his new lover, I went to live with my mom.
This time everything was different. I wasn't dating, because I was so ridiculously pregnant. It gave me time to back up and look at myself. Was I so desperate to be validated that I would sacrifice what I really wanted? This time I'd do it differently.
This time around I'm not looking for love. If it found me, I wouldn't say no. But I'm not looking. This time around I'm not ok with a purely "sex friends" relationship. If I have sex it's on my terms, and because I want it, not because I want to be loved.
My heart is no longer where anyone an just access it with some smooth talk and a condom. No, now I keep it to myself. I love me. I love the life I'm creating, and the identity I'm forming. I love me, and that's enough.
I didn't have sex until my wedding night. I was a very good, conservative, Christian girl. And I waited. Technically... My first sexual partner was my husband. I enjoyed it immensely, sex that is. I had fun getting toys and exploring. It was light, easy, and fun.
After a year and a half of marriage, and the birth of our beautiful daughter, my husband decided to call it quits. We separated. I moved in with my mom and figured out how to be 21, single and a mother. It was tough for me. I hadn't given up my adolescence yet. I was now "on the market." And I was reckless. No, not with my health or safety. I was the queen of condoms, usually bringing my own along for dates.
No I was reckless with my heart. Every time a man kissed me, touched me, or slept with me, it was directly tied to my worth, my loveability. I didn't ask to be wined and dined, I just wanted to be a sex goddess, because I thought, that is what men want... and I wanted to be wanted.
After 6 months of separation my husband and I got back together. We'd both dated while separated, and were more experienced. We stayed together for another 2 and a half years. In that time I grew immensely. I began to mature beyond our relationship. He began wanting other things (people). When we split up this last (and final) time, I was 6 months pregnant with my best friend's surrogate baby. He went to go live with his new lover, I went to live with my mom.
This time everything was different. I wasn't dating, because I was so ridiculously pregnant. It gave me time to back up and look at myself. Was I so desperate to be validated that I would sacrifice what I really wanted? This time I'd do it differently.
This time around I'm not looking for love. If it found me, I wouldn't say no. But I'm not looking. This time around I'm not ok with a purely "sex friends" relationship. If I have sex it's on my terms, and because I want it, not because I want to be loved.
My heart is no longer where anyone an just access it with some smooth talk and a condom. No, now I keep it to myself. I love me. I love the life I'm creating, and the identity I'm forming. I love me, and that's enough.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Identity
I don't know who I am.
I think this is because I never had a chance to find out before my self-growth was seriously hampered by a relationship. See, I have this theory on the development of self identity. When we are single our entire energy is focused on us. We are inherently self-centered. Not to say we are bad people, simply that our main focus is our own self. We spend our energy on self-improvement, and development, because who else is there?
When we're in a new relationship we begin to shift that focus to the other person. What do they want from us? Who are they in relation to us? Who do they want us to be? Our attention shifts from self-development to the development of "we."
I did this at a very young age. Though I never had a serious relationship before FT (short for Fu** Tard) I was barely 20 when we married. I had been in college just a year and a half, and was in the middle of a crucial self-development. I was still figuring out who the hell I was, when my attention switched to "we" and then... to "us" when I shortly became pregnant.
Now, here we are almost 5 years later, and I find myself dumped right back to where I was as a teenager. Who the hell am I? Now it seems even worse, because I knew who I was as a wife and mother. I had figured that role out. Was it fulfilling? Sometimes. Was I happy? Not really. But I had a definition. I knew my place, my role, my personality.
Now I feel like I'm starting all over. Rediscovering the things about myself I'd given up on the altar of "we." I'm listening to bands I used to love, I've lost enough weight I'm almost back to where I was pre-marriage. I'm deciding what my clothes should look like, what I should be into, who I should be.
And I am scared spitless. I don't know how to do this! As a teenager it was fun, it was like exploring an uncharted territory, with exciting things everywhere. Now it's just a big, dark, scary wasteland with frightening creatures. I wanna go back to my bubble. I want it to be easy again.
I've never felt so in crisis. 25, single parent, adolescent. Those things don't mix!
I need to just take a deep breathe and dive. Stop fighting this descent into darkness and embrace the amazing opportunity I've been given: A fresh start. A chance to decide who the hell I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Fight the urge to find a man and attach so I can be free of this turmoil. Single is good. Identity is important.
Anyone want to throw me a bone?
I think this is because I never had a chance to find out before my self-growth was seriously hampered by a relationship. See, I have this theory on the development of self identity. When we are single our entire energy is focused on us. We are inherently self-centered. Not to say we are bad people, simply that our main focus is our own self. We spend our energy on self-improvement, and development, because who else is there?
When we're in a new relationship we begin to shift that focus to the other person. What do they want from us? Who are they in relation to us? Who do they want us to be? Our attention shifts from self-development to the development of "we."
I did this at a very young age. Though I never had a serious relationship before FT (short for Fu** Tard) I was barely 20 when we married. I had been in college just a year and a half, and was in the middle of a crucial self-development. I was still figuring out who the hell I was, when my attention switched to "we" and then... to "us" when I shortly became pregnant.
Now, here we are almost 5 years later, and I find myself dumped right back to where I was as a teenager. Who the hell am I? Now it seems even worse, because I knew who I was as a wife and mother. I had figured that role out. Was it fulfilling? Sometimes. Was I happy? Not really. But I had a definition. I knew my place, my role, my personality.
Now I feel like I'm starting all over. Rediscovering the things about myself I'd given up on the altar of "we." I'm listening to bands I used to love, I've lost enough weight I'm almost back to where I was pre-marriage. I'm deciding what my clothes should look like, what I should be into, who I should be.
And I am scared spitless. I don't know how to do this! As a teenager it was fun, it was like exploring an uncharted territory, with exciting things everywhere. Now it's just a big, dark, scary wasteland with frightening creatures. I wanna go back to my bubble. I want it to be easy again.
I've never felt so in crisis. 25, single parent, adolescent. Those things don't mix!
I need to just take a deep breathe and dive. Stop fighting this descent into darkness and embrace the amazing opportunity I've been given: A fresh start. A chance to decide who the hell I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Fight the urge to find a man and attach so I can be free of this turmoil. Single is good. Identity is important.
Anyone want to throw me a bone?
Sunday, December 12, 2010
First.
Hello there, I suppose in this first post I ought to introduce myself. I'll try not to be long winded, but let you know who is writing this pointless little blog.
My screen name is Lizzie, and I am a lonely lady. I have been working on a divorce for 7 months, and either the man needs to pay for it (unlikely) or I'll have to wait for my tax return (more likely) for it to be final. Emotionally, it's very final. I filed less than a week after I moved out.
Now I join the ranks of the single mothers. It's not such a rare thing these days, but a little more so when you consider my age: 25.
There are lots of stories from the last 5 years of my life, and I'll probably share them as they are relevant to today. For the most part, I'm just trying to move forward. The hardest part? The loneliness. I've never lived alone before, and now I do.
So instead of having someone to listen to all the little things I think all day, I'm going to be dumping it in here. I hope it's interesting, more than that I hope it helps me stay sane in this little house.
:)
Lizzie.
My screen name is Lizzie, and I am a lonely lady. I have been working on a divorce for 7 months, and either the man needs to pay for it (unlikely) or I'll have to wait for my tax return (more likely) for it to be final. Emotionally, it's very final. I filed less than a week after I moved out.
Now I join the ranks of the single mothers. It's not such a rare thing these days, but a little more so when you consider my age: 25.
There are lots of stories from the last 5 years of my life, and I'll probably share them as they are relevant to today. For the most part, I'm just trying to move forward. The hardest part? The loneliness. I've never lived alone before, and now I do.
So instead of having someone to listen to all the little things I think all day, I'm going to be dumping it in here. I hope it's interesting, more than that I hope it helps me stay sane in this little house.
:)
Lizzie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)